Audio Transcript

Today we are talking about how to help other people change. Whether it’s a friend, a coworker, or a family member, everyone has someone in their life that needs to change.

The changes that people need to make vary in their magnitude and severity. Some people need to stop eating or drinking too much while others need to make a major change to properly fulfill their role at work. .

And, when we try to help these people change, we are often met with resistance — even when the other person knows the change would be good for them.

Helping other people change is difficult and it is hard to know if you are actually helping or not — especially when the problem keeps getting worse.

How can a performance driven mindset impact how we help people change and what are the effects this has on people?

This will be counterintuitive to how many of us think in the world, but a performance mindset actually works against helping people make substantial joy giving change.

Everyone, starting with ourselves, needs to make some kind of change. However, change is difficult — we like it the way things are. People are scared of change. Typically, there is more pleasure in keeping things the way they are. The refrain in the book of Judges that “everyone did what was right in their own eyes” is what often keeps us from changing.

7 Obstacles To Change With One Cause

Ken Blanchard, in his book Lead Like Jesus, provides 7 reasons that are obstacles to change:

• People feel awkward
• People feel alone
• People focus on what they have to give up
• People can only handle so much change
• People worry about resources
• People are at different levels of readiness
• People tend to revert to old behaviors when the pressure to change is removed

All of these reasons have fear and worry in the middle of it. Fear and worry are the number one reason in all of this. Instead of seeing the vision.

Dallas Willard taught that all change involves 3 things: vision, intention, and means. First, we need a vision for the future. Second, we need an intention to do something specific about it based on knowledge. And, thirdly, we need means to carry out that change.

A good vision helps us see the upside — things could be better than how they currently are. Instead of focusing on the negative, focus on how good things could be. Alcoholics anonymous teaches this very well. When you give something up you shouldn’t focus on the fears about what life will be like without that thing. Instead, you must focus on the ways in which your life will be better without that thing.

So you have to focus on the upside, but almost always fear is in play. Change has to do with reordering our fears. We need to mature and grow in what we fear. There is no fear in love because perfect love drives out fear. Fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

You might hear that and think, “Wait a minute, I thought the fear of the Lord was the beginning of wisdom.” And, this is the way to think about it. Do not fear man who can kill the body, we fear God. A proper fear of God produces obedience to Him. Everyone who fears the Lord and walks in His ways is happy (Psalm 128:1). This kind of fear is pure and clean (Psalm 19:9). Fear is a source of wisdom. Fear is the fountain of life.

There is a recent article from John Bloom — see the show notes at the bottom of the page — that talks about reordering our fears. We have to fear something, and you want to fear the one who is perfect. The one whose fear is synonymous with love, and who loves us more than we can think or imagine. That is an important piece. This helps us move from quitting smoking because we fear cancer to quitting smoking because I’ll flourish more. We move from being on time because we fear not being on time to being so in awe about how God has made us that we can’t wait to use our gifts at work.

God loves us perfectly and accepts us as people who are made in His image. He loves us more than we love ourselves. We need to remember that as we change and our examples of change to others.

A major problem at work that keeps them from being free is nagging them. Google didn’t let a manager — back when I visited there — have less than 8-10 reports. People need the freedom to do their jobs.

The Performance Trap

The performance trap is the real issue. At the bottom of all our fear is punishment. Many of us are caught in a fear of failure that is based on performance. Much of this mindset is uniquely American — we didn’t invent it, but it is very widespread here. American culture teaches that everything is based on performance. Having a fear of failure in anything is based upon what you will receive or not receive in the event of failure. This is true in sports, relationships, work, etc.

Fear based leadership fails, but think of the opposite of that, such as athletes who play for joy. Some athletes, like Phillip Rivers and Steph Curry, talk about playing for the joy of the game rather than the fear of failure. That’s the way to think about work.

Sometimes we hold on to our jobs and relationships because we do not see the gift of the moment — what we have today. Surrender your life and gifts and know you are covered. Know that you are loved. That’s the kind of love that drives out fear. Our fear of man is driven and replaced by His awe and glory. This enables us to move forward in faithfulness.

3 Narratives

Tim Keller talked about this once. There are 3 categories that help us think about this. There is the performance narrative, self-preservation narrative, and grace narrative.

The performance narrative is always trying to win and look good. It can be subtle, and the performance narrative says, “if I obey and do good I am acceptable.” It does not see its own sin, but looks at the sin of others.

This isn't good in church, sports, or work.

Another narrative Tim Keller points out is the self-preservation narrative says I need to protect myself from pain and hurt because it's not safe. A person with a self preservation narrative says no matter what I do I will get hurt again.

Think about how the self-preservation narrative plays out in relationships. Some people have been so hurt by others that they refuse to be open to loving anyone because they are scared to be hurt again. This narrative comes up in work too. I’ve heard someone say that they were not ready to give their all at work because they didn’t trust the person they were working for. That’s a trap. Instead, give your all and see how it will be used for others.

Keller points us to a grace and mercy narrative instead of performance and self-preservation. We need to know that everything we have is such a gift and move forward using it.

Here’s one way this plays out at work. If you think one of your coworkers needs to change a work habit before you accept them, you are perpetuating a performance narrative. This does not mean we do not have standards of conduct at work. Rather, it means we accept and care about them before we have a conversation with them about their conduct. We care for them in a way that enables them to have the resources and confidence to change.

A couple weeks ago we talked about what Jesus says about changing ourselves, and in Matthew 18:3 Jesus says this, “Truly, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” What Jesus is saying is to be childlike — be  accepting, in awe and wonder, have humility, be in the present.

Love Precedes Change

And, for all you who are parents, to really bring this home, think about a 2-3 year old. They are drawing all over the wall, and mom or dad comes home. What does that child do? He runs to his father or mother saying, “Daddy, daddy, I’m so glad to see you.” They aren’t even thinking about the fact that they were just drawing all over the wall — even if he’s been told not to do it 4 times. He’s happier being in the arms of his father or mother than being worried about drawing on the walls.

Now, the parent may enact some consequences and put the markers out of reach, but in that moment the child is just focused on the joy of being in the presence of their parent. And, the parent isn’t withholding love because of the mistake of the 3 year old. It’s harder to do this with teenagers because their mistakes are more intentional, but that still doesn’t mean we should withhold our love.

God never withholds his love from us. The story of the prodigal makes that clear. The father enabled the prodigal to go out and waste all he had, and he stood by waiting for his son to come home. Not giving his son a chance to apologize, the father ran and accepted him back home.

Jesus, when he met Zacchaeus, didn’t tell him to get down from the tree and refund all the people he cheated. No, Jesus validated Zacchaeus by telling him to get down from the tree because he was going to dine with him at his house. Then out of this love and acceptance, Zacchaeus gave back what he had cheated.

It always starts with loving, accepting, and validating the other person — even at work. You may even care for them more than they care for themselves, instead of putting shame or guilt on them. Think back to the parent who picks up that child out of love, and that is our job at work too. We need to teach our coworkers that perfect love drives out fear.

Now, we have to help them with a vision. What could make them better? Why would you want to quit coloring on that wall? Why would you want to quit being late to work? Why would you want to stop micro-managing people at work? Why would you want to stop talking too much in meetings?

Help them make a firm decision for what is best for them — coach them, give them means and feedback.

One Minute Managing

One minute goals are very helpful. What is it you want to achieve in life? Ken Blanchard, in his book The One Minute Manager, nailed this decades ago. Have one minute goals. What are your goals and how are your current actions helping you reach that? What’s your vision for the future? It’s not performance, it’s helping them see how they could be flourishing even more.

Second, have one minute praisings. Catch them doing something right. The right feedback for any person is 7 to 1 positive to negative. That’s for work, raising kids, and all the rest.

And then, have one minute redirects. People are going to stumble and fall, and our job as leaders is to lead them into change by asking them, “How did that help you go where you wanted to go?” Help them see the mistake, own it, and then move in with them to help them make the change.

We can do all 3 of those things. We can help people set one minute goals, catch them doing something right, and redirect them toward what’s best. And, then you’ll know this: there is no fear in love because perfect love drives out fear. Fear has to do with punishment, and God has paid for that — it is finished. God has paid for all our sin — past, present, and future. So stop living in fear and start living in the knowledge of how much you are loved by God by helping others do the same.

In 2 Thessalonians 11-12 Paul puts it like this, “With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness and your every deed prompted by faith. We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.” God gets the glory. God is the one who has done it. Jesus is the one who suffered for us. All of work and life is about giving glory back to him. And, whether that person knows Jesus or not, we are helping them live a life of flourishing that validates them as a loved instrument of God’s peace.

Resources

Lay Aside Your Misplaced Fear

The Three Secrets of the One Minute Manager

1 John 4:18

Psalm 19:9

Psalm 128:1

Proverbs 1:7

Proverbs 14:27

Matthew 18:3

2 Thessalonians 1:11-12