Gain Influence By Seeking To Be Influenced
Gain Influence By Seeking To Be Influenced
Gain Influence By Seeking To Be Influenced
Gain Influence By Seeking To Be Influenced
We seek first to understand because, knowing Jesus has provided for our every need, we desire to give other people what they truly need. Therefore, we can risk our words, reputations, and even our lives to better understand others in order to provide solutions that help them flourish.
“He just doesn’t get it!”
“This solution is perfect for their company, but they just won't listen to me.”
“I’ve told her again and again, but she just won’t budge. I don’t understand why she won’t listen to me.”
We’ve all been in this place, believing that what is wrong with a situation is that the other party is not listening to us.
Ironically, most of the time, when we think this way we have failed to understand the other person. We don’t know who they are and what they want; so how can we possibly know how to influence them effectively toward what they really need?
“Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.” – Proverbs 18:2
“To answer before listening — that is folly and shame.” – Proverbs 18:13
Stephen Covey believed that if a person can learn to listen empathically, they can be ten times more effective with people.
In Habit 5, Seek First to Understand,Then To Be Understood, in his book 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People, Covey outlines the principles of empathetic communication this way.
Communication is the most important skill in life. We spend most of our waking hours communicating. But consider this: You’ve spent years learning how to read and write, years learning how to speak. But what about listening? What training or education have you had that enables you to listen so that you really, deeply understand another human being from that individual’s own frame of reference?
Comparatively few people have had any training in listening at all. And, for the most part, their training has been in the Personality Ethic of technique, truncated from the character base and the relationship base absolutely vital to authentic understanding of another person.
If you want to interact effectively with me, to influence me — your spouse, your child, your neighbor, your boss, your coworker, your friend — you first need to understand me. And you can’t do that with technique alone. If I sense you’re using some technique, I sense duplicity, manipulation. I wonder why you’re doing it, what your motives are. And I don’t feel safe enough to open myself up to you.
The real key to your influence with me is your example, your actual conduct. Your example flows naturally out of your character, or the kind of person you truly are — not what others say you are or what you may want me to think you are. It is evident in how I actually experience you.
Your character is constantly radiating, communicating. From it, in the long run, I come to instinctively trust or distrust you and your efforts with me.
If your life runs hot and cold, if you’re both caustic and kind, and, above all, if your private performance doesn’t square with your public performance, it’s very hard for me to open up with you. Then, as much as I may want and even need to receive your love and influence, I don’t feel safe enough to expose my opinions and experiences and my tender feelings. Who knows what will happen?
But unless I open up with you, unless you understand me and my unique situation and feelings, you won’t know how to advise or counsel me. What you say is good and fine, but it doesn’t quite pertain to me.
You may say you care about and appreciate me. I desperately want to believe that. But how can you appreciate me when you don’t even understand me? All I have are your words, and I can’t trust words.
I’m too angry and defensive — perhaps too guilty and afraid — to be influenced, even though inside I know I need what you could tell me.
Unless you’re influenced by my uniqueness, I’m not going to be influenced by your advice. So if you want to be really effective in the habit of interpersonal communication, you cannot do it with technique alone.
You have to build the skills of empathic listening on a base of character that inspires openness and trust. And you have to build Emotional Bank Accounts that create a commerce between hearts.
Character Communicates
Covey explains that people are not open to what you are communicating until they know they can trust your character. He points out, “The early Greeks had a magnificent philosophy that is embodied in three sequentially arranged words: ethos, pathos, and logos.” He suggests these three words contain the essence of seeking first to understand, then to be understood.
- Ethos is character — credible people live a life consistent with their words. People determine what you believe not by what you say, but by your actions. Consistent actions speak louder than words.
- Pathos is feelings based on empathy — empathy leads to seeking to understand. Understanding leads to compassion and deeply caring about them — knowing what is best and helping them get what they need.
- Logos is reasoning — from a position of deep understanding, communication can be highly effective by helping the person logically understand how the proposed solution helps them get what they need and leads them to a better life.
Be Influenced To Influence
This approach is not simple or easy and is not right in every situation. This is a highly involved life-on-life approach that leads to the long term good of all parties — this is Thinking Win/Win.
Covey admits this approach is risky. “It takes a great deal of security to go into a deep listening experience because you open yourself up to be influenced. You become vulnerable. It’s a paradox, in a sense, because in order to have influence, you have to be influenced.”
Seeking first to understand another person makes you vulnerable because you may learn some things that are threatening to you. To genuinely practice Habit 5, you may need the emotional security that comes from first winning the Private Victory through Habits 1, 2, and 3.
Those who follow Jesus have a distinct advantage in living seeking to understand others because they have a Savior who understands us and calls us to surrender outcomes and conclusions to God’s will.
“In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.” – Ephesians 1:11-12
Ask, Seek, Knock!
Surrendering to this truth does not lead to complacency, but instead propels us to seek to understand others the same way we seek to understand the will of God. Seeking what is truly best for someone is synonymous with God’s will because God wants what is best for them. Here is how Jesus explains how to gain understanding.
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” – Matthew 7:7-12
- Ask — asking the right questions to people helps them open up about what they want and what they need. Ask deeply informed, caring questions and you will be given answers.
- Seek — seeking to understand requires listening to their words, tone, and body language. We must receive them as a person made in the image of God — understanding their wants and desires. Seek ways to help them and you will find Win/Win solutions.
- Knock — knocking is moving forward with what you can discern is the will of God for the person you have heard. Expecting God to guide you and open the right door for them. Knock and the right door will be opened.
No one who sincerely — in Christ — invests time and effort to seek to understand another person will intentionally give them something that is bad for them. We won’t give them a rock when they need bread, anymore than we will take advantage of them financially when we know them and understand their needs.
We seek to understand because we desire to give people what they truly need from a place of abundance because Jesus has provided us with everything we need. We lack nothing (Psalm 23:1). Therefore, we can risk our words, reputations, and even our lives to better understand others in order to provide solutions that help them flourish.
Resources
Book: 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Article: Relationship Victory – Thinking Win/Win – Requires Consideration and Courage
Article: Choose Opportunity – Choose Relationships First
Article: Where Do You Want To Go?
Article: Proactivity Is Response Ability
“He just doesn’t get it!”
“This solution is perfect for their company, but they just won't listen to me.”
“I’ve told her again and again, but she just won’t budge. I don’t understand why she won’t listen to me.”
We’ve all been in this place, believing that what is wrong with a situation is that the other party is not listening to us.
Ironically, most of the time, when we think this way we have failed to understand the other person. We don’t know who they are and what they want; so how can we possibly know how to influence them effectively toward what they really need?
“Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.” – Proverbs 18:2
“To answer before listening — that is folly and shame.” – Proverbs 18:13
Stephen Covey believed that if a person can learn to listen empathically, they can be ten times more effective with people.
In Habit 5, Seek First to Understand,Then To Be Understood, in his book 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People, Covey outlines the principles of empathetic communication this way.
Communication is the most important skill in life. We spend most of our waking hours communicating. But consider this: You’ve spent years learning how to read and write, years learning how to speak. But what about listening? What training or education have you had that enables you to listen so that you really, deeply understand another human being from that individual’s own frame of reference?
Comparatively few people have had any training in listening at all. And, for the most part, their training has been in the Personality Ethic of technique, truncated from the character base and the relationship base absolutely vital to authentic understanding of another person.
If you want to interact effectively with me, to influence me — your spouse, your child, your neighbor, your boss, your coworker, your friend — you first need to understand me. And you can’t do that with technique alone. If I sense you’re using some technique, I sense duplicity, manipulation. I wonder why you’re doing it, what your motives are. And I don’t feel safe enough to open myself up to you.
The real key to your influence with me is your example, your actual conduct. Your example flows naturally out of your character, or the kind of person you truly are — not what others say you are or what you may want me to think you are. It is evident in how I actually experience you.
Your character is constantly radiating, communicating. From it, in the long run, I come to instinctively trust or distrust you and your efforts with me.
If your life runs hot and cold, if you’re both caustic and kind, and, above all, if your private performance doesn’t square with your public performance, it’s very hard for me to open up with you. Then, as much as I may want and even need to receive your love and influence, I don’t feel safe enough to expose my opinions and experiences and my tender feelings. Who knows what will happen?
But unless I open up with you, unless you understand me and my unique situation and feelings, you won’t know how to advise or counsel me. What you say is good and fine, but it doesn’t quite pertain to me.
You may say you care about and appreciate me. I desperately want to believe that. But how can you appreciate me when you don’t even understand me? All I have are your words, and I can’t trust words.
I’m too angry and defensive — perhaps too guilty and afraid — to be influenced, even though inside I know I need what you could tell me.
Unless you’re influenced by my uniqueness, I’m not going to be influenced by your advice. So if you want to be really effective in the habit of interpersonal communication, you cannot do it with technique alone.
You have to build the skills of empathic listening on a base of character that inspires openness and trust. And you have to build Emotional Bank Accounts that create a commerce between hearts.
Character Communicates
Covey explains that people are not open to what you are communicating until they know they can trust your character. He points out, “The early Greeks had a magnificent philosophy that is embodied in three sequentially arranged words: ethos, pathos, and logos.” He suggests these three words contain the essence of seeking first to understand, then to be understood.
- Ethos is character — credible people live a life consistent with their words. People determine what you believe not by what you say, but by your actions. Consistent actions speak louder than words.
- Pathos is feelings based on empathy — empathy leads to seeking to understand. Understanding leads to compassion and deeply caring about them — knowing what is best and helping them get what they need.
- Logos is reasoning — from a position of deep understanding, communication can be highly effective by helping the person logically understand how the proposed solution helps them get what they need and leads them to a better life.
Be Influenced To Influence
This approach is not simple or easy and is not right in every situation. This is a highly involved life-on-life approach that leads to the long term good of all parties — this is Thinking Win/Win.
Covey admits this approach is risky. “It takes a great deal of security to go into a deep listening experience because you open yourself up to be influenced. You become vulnerable. It’s a paradox, in a sense, because in order to have influence, you have to be influenced.”
Seeking first to understand another person makes you vulnerable because you may learn some things that are threatening to you. To genuinely practice Habit 5, you may need the emotional security that comes from first winning the Private Victory through Habits 1, 2, and 3.
Those who follow Jesus have a distinct advantage in living seeking to understand others because they have a Savior who understands us and calls us to surrender outcomes and conclusions to God’s will.
“In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.” – Ephesians 1:11-12
Ask, Seek, Knock!
Surrendering to this truth does not lead to complacency, but instead propels us to seek to understand others the same way we seek to understand the will of God. Seeking what is truly best for someone is synonymous with God’s will because God wants what is best for them. Here is how Jesus explains how to gain understanding.
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” – Matthew 7:7-12
- Ask — asking the right questions to people helps them open up about what they want and what they need. Ask deeply informed, caring questions and you will be given answers.
- Seek — seeking to understand requires listening to their words, tone, and body language. We must receive them as a person made in the image of God — understanding their wants and desires. Seek ways to help them and you will find Win/Win solutions.
- Knock — knocking is moving forward with what you can discern is the will of God for the person you have heard. Expecting God to guide you and open the right door for them. Knock and the right door will be opened.
No one who sincerely — in Christ — invests time and effort to seek to understand another person will intentionally give them something that is bad for them. We won’t give them a rock when they need bread, anymore than we will take advantage of them financially when we know them and understand their needs.
We seek to understand because we desire to give people what they truly need from a place of abundance because Jesus has provided us with everything we need. We lack nothing (Psalm 23:1). Therefore, we can risk our words, reputations, and even our lives to better understand others in order to provide solutions that help them flourish.
Resources
Book: 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Article: Relationship Victory – Thinking Win/Win – Requires Consideration and Courage
Article: Choose Opportunity – Choose Relationships First
Article: Where Do You Want To Go?
Article: Proactivity Is Response Ability